Resentment is a secondary emotion, the mutation of a more primary one. It’s like a piece of fruit that’s gone mealy--the sensation of things being out of order, and of being aware that they are out of order.
Resentment is consequently always a story: we resent the mismatch between what’s happening and what should be happening. We feel that an injustice is being inflicted upon us, not as the consequences of our own actions or even those of the object of our resentment, but by a higher, omnipotent force. We think the world is conspiring against us, for if not, then how could someone else--someone lesser, someone less deserving--be getting that job, that book deal, that house, that happiness?
Resentment is a jilting reminder that we are not the center of the universe, and that worse still, we are stuck foolishly experiencing it as such.
But the word itself has quite a different etymology. Resentment comes from the Latin Re (again) and Sentir (to feel), hence, to feel again. There’s nothing definitively negative or positive about it. In fact, until the mid 17th century, the term in English could still have a positive sense, as in “to appreciate” or “be grateful for.”
What exactly happens when we feel-again, or ‘return’ to an emotion?
First off, we access the feeling through memory. It’s general knowledge these days that memory is selective, and that even more importantly, each time we touch a memory, it changes shape. That means that re-feeling emotion is also constructing emotion: we are not simply passive in the experience, but active participants. So why the negative connotation?
The calcification of resentment as a negative emotion today speaks to a modern fear of feeling, and a prioritization of action over reflection. Emotions should be ‘spent’ through feeling: experienced once, as potently as possible, and then shed, as we move on wiser, more aware, and better aligned. To backtrack with emotion is to brood, to stagnate. It isn’t ‘productive.’ It is also a sign of being out of control, overpowered by something out of our hands. Even to dwell on positive emotions is neutral at best--while it may not be inherently negative, it’s perceived as a kind of weakness. Why dwell on one success, when you could harness that velocity and move on to the next? Why not ‘scale’ that positive feeling?
I would like to end with a question. Given how uncomfortable we are with feeling and the great lengths we go to to avoid a re-feeling, how are we supposed to achieve what most would agree is the ultimate end goal: to feel good? Have we fully tricked ourselves into believing that by mastering, evading, and leveraging emotions, we will be rewarded with a singular, positive, and everlasting feeling at the end?